Tonight feels like the night to get real and be honest about what’s going on in life at the moment. It’s been a tough couple of weeks for a few different reasons, that’s not to say life has been awful but it has thrown up a few challenges that tonight feel like they’ve taken their toll, yet I feel optimistic and positive about these challenges and changes.
I wrote a facebook update last week about it being a tight budget week or frugal week as I called it, we really don’t have many but the same feelings arise every time we do, so much of what I feel comes up from feelings I had as a kid witnessing the frustrations and fights my parents had over money, among many other things. When money is tight I feel scared, ashamed and small (a good hint about where it comes from in that I was small when this pattern was set up for me). I’m pleased to say these feeling weren’t so strong last week as I now know that we’re going to be fine not matter what reality looks like, we always are. We’ve never once fallen so hard we haven’t been able to get back up or had something almost miraculous happen that sees us find our way clear of the doldrums. I often think, momentarily, that surely by 50 I should have moved on from this living week to week scenario, I should be enjoying life’s pleasures and luxuries without so much thought for finances. And wouldn’t you know it when I’m thinking these thoughts I can almost guarantee that if I jump on FB or Instagram I’ll see friends tripping somewhere amazing around the world, staying in amazing locations, eating fabulous food and sampling great wines or whiskey’s or whatever. Which seems to confirm my thought process doesn’t it? No, in fact quite the opposite, I live my life on my terms pretty much all the time, I only work when I need to and I really only do what I choose to do not just what appears to be available, I get to live how I choose will many people are stuck doing what they believe they have to do, what’s expected of them. The price for that is living with a little uncertainty about where we’ll be, how we get there and how we’ll pay for it and so far that price has not been to high to pay, it’s a pretty good trade off in my books.
However, that doesn’t mean I want to always live in uncertainty, I am, after all, a bit of a control freak and I need to look after my wellbeing which means reducing stress and anxiety wherever possible. So I have had the brilliant idea of creating an online business so that we aren’t location dependent, a good plan wouldn’t you say? I agree but I know that whenever I have these brainwaves it is quickly followed by some of the deepest and biggest self doubt sessions you can imagine, every reason why I shouldn’t, couldn’t, won’t or can’t seems to arise within a day or so of taking steps to bring the idea into reality. I’ve been here before, and being in this place brings with it a fantastic opportunity to do some healing, to face what comes up and challenge it and move forward. The downside for me is that when I say healing its often not just my emotions and beliefs that get a hammering, its very often a physical thing as well because I have embodied my beliefs and emotions so effectively that it can’t help but have a physical effect when I try to shift them. I really can’t see healing without seeing it as both a physical and emotional/psychological journey.
When I say I’ve been here before I don’t mean the exact same place as you might find if you keep going around in circles, I find it more like a helix, it looks really familiar and could almost be the same but it’s not I’ve moved either deeper or higher, which ever way you’d prefer to look at it, but its similar enough to be recognisable. Well I recognise the place I’m in right now and again I know I’m not going to stay here but what to do while I’m here? I’m going to grab the bull by the horns and face it down, that’s what I’m going to do, or rather is what I am doing. I;m feeling all the emotional and psychological discomfort and I am also suffering the physical discomfort, it’s been very hard to ignore actually because its in my head in the form of migraine. This past week has seen me with some form of headache from mild to a full blown migraine and nausea. I have never been able to pin point my triggers and increasingly little works to alleviate the pain so I have to grin and bear it so to speak. I haven’t given up on finding a solution to this issue for me, it’s too debilitating to give up and accept that I will just have to suffer for the forseeable future.
My search for answers has seen me explore roads less travelled and take on remedies and therapies that some see as being psuedo science, or witch craft or placebo effect or use your own term for something you can’t see or hasn’t yet been proved by science. Anyway, recently I came across a medical medium who is presenting some amazing info that totally resonates with me and the information he puts forward makes absolutely sense of my progression to where I am today and this dates back to when I was about 10 years old so 40 years of symptoms and vague diagnoses (I should add here that I have always considered myself very healthy I just suffer migraines and have had some gut issues in the past which I believed to be healed that seem to be coming back to haunt me now).
It would appear that much of what ails me could be caused by my bout of glandular fever(mono) when I was 10, this illness is caused by the Epstein-Barr virus. I am still reading up on what this guy has to say and how he suggests I heal myself of the virus which is still alive and well in my body all these years later. His therapy for this and many other things is food! yep food. I have always believed that food is medicine and the more I read from this guy the more I am convinced of it. So I am going to use myself as a guinea pig to see what the results are and I am now day 3 of introducing one thing he has suggested as being super potent for killing off EBV – celery juice. I will gradually introduce other foods in concentration whilst eliminating others (dairy, eggs, gluten) that feed the virus over the coming days alongside a number of supplements, that funnily enough I used last time I needed gut healing, including spirulina, cats claw and coriander.
I’m going to track my progress and report back here on how I’m feeling and what progress or not has been happening. I can report today that I feel like shit, I wake up fine, have my juice on an empty stomach and gradually during the day the headache, back ache and neck ache creeps in and increases in intensity until its hard to cope with. I sincerely hoping that this is just die off and part of the process as I detox and that in another day or two I’ll be feeling brighter for longer.
I also suspect that as I start to heal this some of the issues that have come up for me as I set up a new business will begin to resolve – call me crazy but its a pattern I’ve seen before and just not documented. So I guess in a few weeks I’m going to be feeling better and moving full steam ahead with a new business or I’m going to be feeling like total crap and rocking back and forth on the floor as I nurse my pain with a business that never got lift off. Either way I’ll have a bit more insight into whether or not the connection I make between physical and emotional wellbeing is well founded.